Arguments & tensions are “part & parcel” of interactions… and here comes the big question: Is there a way we can express ourselves so that the other person may be influenced to act more in line with our expectations? Yes, there is: use “I” messages. “I” messages focus on the speaker’s thoughts & feelings, without “pointing fingers”, blaming or judging the listener. The message gets across because the listener doesn’t get defensive and is usually more open to talk. Think, if you were the listener, in which case would you respond better? (a) “I feel nervous when someone tells me one thing and I find out they are doing another” or (b) “You lied to me”.

Build your “I” messages as follows: I think that / feel _____ (your concern or feeling), when someone _____ (listener’s behavior), because _____ (impact). I would appreciate it if _____ (desired behavior).